I just recently finished reading Dale Carnegie's book "How to win friends and influence people". I know, the titel is terrible. I almost felt ashamed and embarassed reading it, and the title alone may be one of the reasons I have never read this book (and my pride). However, it is a terrific book!
I read the updated version, because the poriginal was written way back in about 1920. Apparently the new version has been updated with more current examples but not current or wordly enough in my mind (There are an awful lot of Rockefeller, Lincoln, and other american presidents examples).
However, I nearly read the book cover to cover! It is full of interesting little stories that demonstrate each of the principles in a simple, commonsense way. Some of these principles go against some of my basic beliefs, but I can see why and how they may have affected my relations in the past and I reckon Carnegie is very right in what he has said and myself very wrong (refer principle 3 in how to win people to your way of thinking).
The principles are as follows - I hope with some deep inflection they help you be a better person.
How to handle people
1. Don’t criticise, condemn or complain
2. Give honest and sincere appreciation
3. Arouse in the other person an eager want
How to make people like you
1. Become genuinely interested in other people
2. Smile
3. Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language
4. Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
5. Talk in terms of the other persons interests.
6. Make the other person feel important – and do it sincerely
How to win people to your way of thinking
1. The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.
2. Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say “You’re wrong.”
3. If your wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.
4. Begin in a friendly way
5. Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately.
6. Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.
7. Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers.
8. Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.
9. Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.
10. Appeal to the nobler motives.
11. Dramatize your ideas.
12. Throw down a challenge.
How to be a leader
1. Begin with praise and honest appreciation
2. Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly
3. Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person
4. Ask questions instead of giving direct orders
5. Let the other person save face
6. Praise the slightest improvement and every improvement. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.”
7. Give the person a fine reputation to live up to.
8. Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct.
9. Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest.
4 comments:
How do you give "honest and sincere appreciation" to someone who has neither earnt it nor warrants it?
Or do you just bullshit honestly and sincerely
This reminds me of something my mother used to say a lot, which was "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all".
However, It sounds like what you want to do is actually call attention to someones mistakes indirectly (i.e., without making them feel defensive and get their back up).
The point to giving honest and sincere appreciation is like looking for the good in people. If you can find something that you admire in someone and you call attention to that honestly and sincerely it will make working with that person, and probably also calling attention to their mistakes indirectly without getting their back up much easier.
Please note that in the book there is a chapter devoted to each of these principles and I doubt I can do them as much justice as the author.
o apparently according to my nan this is one of the best books anyone could ever read, and she is thrilled that I have read it and agree with her!
I think all these analytical studies on persuasion and weapons of influence sound a bit crude...these things just come naturally when you connect with someone or genuinely care for someone...everyone deserves and warrant a level of appreciation...in the end we all treat each other the way we want to be treated...
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